The Friday Five: First Edition

Welcome to Sex Lives of Moms first edition of the Friday Five:  Five Questions answered by a mom somewhere in our great country about her sex life.

This week’s contributor, L describes herself as:

A thirty-six year old mom of two, a 6-year-old  and 21-month-old.  I was a professional student (seriously how many partial degrees can one have?) and now am a part-time book seller/ full time stay-at-home-mom.

How would you describe your sex life after kids?

Catch-where-catch-can.

What’s been your biggest sexual challenge since becoming a mom?

Doing it with the lights on (not there yet.)

On the one hand, I am so proud of my body which grew and successfully bore two gorgeous, healthy kids and continues to feed one; on the other, why does my stomach STILL look like that!? It is hard to look in the mirror and LOVE all the sag and veins and stretch marks. How could hubs?

What is the most important thing to you about your sexuality?

This is kinda like asking me what is the most important thing  to me about Mount St. Helens. They’re both dormant at the moment. Doesn’t mean she’ll never blow, but, well, right now our focus is elsewhere.

What does being a sexual mama mean to you? 

Being a sexual mama means recognizing that the only thing constant is change. Being a mom doesn’t mean I don’t get horny. But, by 10 o’clock, I am toast, I just want to watch Storage Wars and go to bed. Accepting where I am and not doing it for the sake of doing it. So yes, I need to smell the cooking to realize I am hungry. So woo me.

Also, really DO NOT TOUCH MY TITS. They are working right now and need to be respected, like a seeing-eye dog.

What’s the best thing about your sex life now?  

The best thing about my sex life is that I have one, it exists. This last year has been really tough with a recent move, traveling hubs that breeds resentment like bunnies, and trying to find my place in my new town Eugene, OR, and in the world at large.

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Thank you so much L for participating in this week’s Friday Five and for your thoughtful answers.  

Readers, what questions would you like to see in the Friday Five?  Post them as comments and you might see them in next week’s edition.

 Are YOU interested in participating?  Shoot me an email at slofmoms@gmail.com.

Also, don’t forget to sign-up for Sex Lives of Moms Bedroom Chemist Sex Kit Giveaway–don’t miss out on your chance to get a fabulous, free, sexy kit to spice up your sex life.

Bushwhacked

I have a dear friend who after she found out–and was utterly horrified–that I had never had a Brazilian wax, bought me one for a birthday present.  I never used it.  I was too chicken-shit and had absolutely zero desire to ever have my pubes (they do the ones in your butt too!!!) covered in scalding wax and ripped out by the root.  And I considered any man who expects a woman to do that, an asshole.

Over the years I have discovered nifty devices that can be used to trim down the density of the foliage between my legs, since for the majority of my post-pubescent life the only trimming it got was a few precursory swipes along the bikini line with a razor before I went to the pool or beach.  If there’s no pool or beach in sight, it is au naturale all the way.   My partner doesn’t seem to mind what I imagine to be my body’s most-uncanny resemblance to my cave-woman ancestry, or at least he’s smart enough not to say he does.

I never understood the desire to be bare-down-there.  It offended my feminist sensibilities that women would want–and men supposedly like–the girl-like bare vagina.  I found it downright creepy and would rather spend $30 ($40?) bucks on about anything else.   Just the thought of all the stubble coming in like a man’s day-old beard makes me itch.  And I simultaneously despise and am victim of beauty-industry-mores that convince us that our natural body is unhygienic and that we need to buy x, y, and z  to be clean or beautiful.

Then women started telling me about the increased sensitivity and feeling they experienced during sex when bare.  And I became intrigued, and my feelings evolved a bit.  I now understand why a woman would wax as an added component of excitement during sex.  And with my sage old age, my way of seeing the world has become a tad more nuanced, and I’ve realized that liking it bare, an asshole does not necessarily make.

That is, as long as you don’t expect any woman you are with to always keep it waxed, because if you do, then yes, you are an asshole.  (I said a tad more nuanced.)

If I were a better blogger and more dedicated to this craft, I would now regale you with my own Forty-Year-Old-Virgin-like experience of having had a Brazilian just so I could write about it.  I can tell you of women I know who will not have sex unless they’re waxed.  Or who waxed before giving birth (seems like arsenic-laced icing on a cake of pain to me).  As for me…

Nah.  Still too chicken-shit.

But I remain intrigued nonetheless.  Do you wax?  Do you do it because of aesthetic reasons, or for your partner, or because it increases sensations?  Do you wax because it is makes you feel sexy?  How long did it take until it stopped hurting like hell?  If you are a mother of daughters, do they ask about why you wax–how do you talk to your daughter(s) about it?

In the meantime, maybe I will get a Brazilian one of these days, for (tax deductible?) research purposes, of course, though I’m pretty sure that that gift certificate is expired by now.

A touchy-feely post about masturbation.

I have numerous hopes and aspirations for my daughter.  I gave her a strong name without adjectives like “rainbow” or “blue”–her namesake is a famed feminist writer– and before she was born I practiced writing it down on lined paper to see what it would look like following the words Supreme Court Justice.  I see her tiny fingers and picture three-pointers shot and tree limbs climbed.  But one of my most-hoped-for dreams for her is that she will know how to easily orgasm through dextrous and self-assured masturbation.

We always wish better for our children than what we had ourselves, right?  It extends to masturbation and sexual confidence as well.

I only learned what orgasm was once I was sexually active.  As a child and teen I touched myself, but never was able (or brave enough?) to give myself an orgasm.  Even when I first started having sex, there were a few months of uncertainty:  was that it? (Once that was it, there was no more doubt).

I think that as women we should all dream that our daughters will confidently know how to pleasure themselves and then as a wise mama I know says, “accept nothing else!”  I don’t have similar worries for my son.  I have never known a man who didn’t figure out how to use the prominent shaft at the juncture of his legs.  A penis is easy to find, impossible to ignore, and self-explanatory as far as masturbation goes.

A vagina and all it entails (clitoris, vulva, labia, urethra) requires more mystery to unravel and I hope my daughter will have the tenacity to unselfconsciously figure out what works for her and what doesn’t.

We talk to our kids about waiting for the right person to have sex, how to use protection, but I think we miss an important part:  letting them know that confident self-exploration isn’t just okay–it’s great!  If you know how to get yourself off, you might not be so tempted by the first boy who thinks he can (and probably can’t).

And even more importantly, I want my daughter to grow into a woman who knows what she likes and wants and is unafraid to ask for it.  My wish for her is that she be confident in all aspects of her live, including her sexuality.  And if she scares off more than a few boys or girls in the process, well, even better.