Bad Sex, Great Sex. What do you call the in-between?

from creative commons by Rx2web

Yesterday was one of those days where I was sure something bad was going to happen.  We were in a mild car accident recently and I talked to two other friends who had also been in accidents within days of mine.  I was at the gym where I went through my workout so sure that I was going to maim myself that I probably put myself in more danger by trepidatiously doing the moves than if I had confidently.  At one point I sat out, I felt off balance and I had convinced myself that if I continued another moment–something bad was going to happen.

Nothing did.  I should tell you that I am also not the slightest bit superstitious.  So this turn of mind surprised me.

So here’s where I metaphorically turn this into a sex-related topic.  Brace yourself, the creative juices are a little dry today.

Its an old cliche, but applicable to my life for sure:  we create our own realities.

When I am in a sexual lull:  never in the mood, tired from listening to my kids all day demanding things and therefore in little or no mood to listen to my unfortunate husband, much less be touched, if we do attempt to have sex I go into it with a defeatist, there’s-no-way-this-will-be-good attitude.  And it isn’t.

I categorize any sex that isn’t knock-my-socks-off as bad sex.  Even if it was okay sex, to me that means bad sex.  I know what the good stuff is, so even when I try to convince myself otherwise, if it wasn’t great, I don’t feel amazing afterwards.  I still enjoy the okay sex, it just doesn’t leave me laying sweaty and spread-eagle on my bed breathlessly whispering, “Hot damn!”

When you turn to each other after sex and rub your partner’s arm and say, “Thank you honey, that was nice,” that’s bad sex.  When you can only manage to grunt appreciatively in each others direction because talking requires too much effort and you don’t feel the need to touch each other because you’re so sated, that’s great sex.

So how do I get to the point of having great sex?  It all depends on how I go into it.  If I can take the time to relax, not feel pressured, and enjoy each other with kisses and caresses that turn into foreplay, then my mind is free of the “how-long-will-this-take-I-still-have-laundry-to-fold” chatter that is almost never conducive to great sex.

This is not only my responsibility.  My husband has to help me feel relaxed, feel sexy and appreciated.  He has to be romantic and kiss me with no strings-attached.  (When did any kiss longer than three seconds turn into a contract to have sex in the next five minutes???)

You know why we have a lot more great sex when we are in newer relationships?  Because you still make-out.  Years into a relationship and make-out sessions rank right up there on the priority list with washing the windows, it doesn’t happen.

When you’re in a new relationship, a mere brush on your arm from your lover makes your whole body ignite with desire, because their body is new to yours.  You are still discovering, lingering, immersing yourselves in each other.  And your chemistry inside and outside your bodies is through the roof.

Years in, and now you have a PhD in all that is your partner, and not only does a brush on your arm not ignite you, you might even sometimes feel like you’re having sex with your actual arm, just because you’re so used to each other.  So the challenge is to work extra hard to find that starter fluid that will ignite things so that you can have amazing sex.  This means talking about how you feel about your sex life, what you need or want, and what’s missing.  If you dance around the issues you have (and everyone does) I can pretty much promise nothing will get better.

But taking the time to communicate what you need and want, taking the time to truly touch and feel each other and not just jump straight into it, and doing what you need to get your mind in a place of feeling up to the task and excited for it (romance, porn, erotica, Glee, whatever!), can make all the difference between having bad sex and having amazing sex.  And isn’t that difference totally worth it?!

What do you do when you don’t feel in the mood?  Do you go with it, or try to change things up so that you can be more engaged, or skip it for another time?  Are you able to tell your partner what you need so that sex is amazing?