MOMS VOTE: What matters most to moms about their sexuality?

In honor of election day (don’t forget to vote!!) I want to take an informal poll.  What is most important to you as a mom about your sexuality?  What issues do you wish you heard more about?  Are there any parts of the sexuality of mothers that you think are ignored and you would like to read more about?

I’d love it if you would take a moment and respond in the comments section (anonymously is fine) about what matters most to you as a mom in your sex life so that I can address those issues in future blog posts.

What matters to you?

Is it finding time to have a sexual relationship with your partner?

Is it keeping your sexual flame alive through masturbation?

Is providing your kids straightforward information about sexuality?

Tell us, what’s important to you?

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Here are a few things about my sexuality as a woman and a mom that I think are important:

– It matters to me for moms to know that it is okay feel very sexual sometimes (and to act on this in wild and crazy ways) and to know that it’s also okay when you don’t.  There isn’t a right way, a wrong way, a right number, or a wrong number.  As long as you are able to communicate openly what feels right to you.

-It matters to me that moms don’t forget how easy, quick, and enjoyable masturbation is and give themselves permission to do it!

-It matters to me that my children understand at an age-appropriate level that YES mom and dad have sex, YES we enjoy it, and YES it is an important part of our relationship.  This means they learn to respect a closed door while mom and dad have alone time.  This means that they also see us being flirtatious and physically affectionate with each other.  This is some of the most important role-modeling we can give them–so they can have healthy sexual relationships of their own in the future!

-It matters to me that I feel able to communicate my sexual needs to my partner–what works and what doesn’t, even if it feels hard or embarrassing to do.

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Now, what matters most to YOU?

Repost: Toy Story: Motherhood and Sexual Healing

An excellent piece from the literary parenting magazine Brain, Child by Meredith Fein Lichtenberg, CCE as posted on Huffington Post.

“When I walk in to teach my workshop, the students’ chairs are arranged in front of dozens of vibrators. Along the wall behind me, like my backup singers, is an assortment of arm-sized strap-on dildos. This is Babeland, the New York City sex toy shop, and I am here to give a workshop about Sexuality and New Motherhood.”

The Friday Five: Second Edition

Five Questions answered by a mom somewhere in our great country about her sex life.

This week’s contributor Z, says this about herself:

I am a 39 year-old mom of a 1st grader, have been married for 10 years, work full-time outside the home and am currently relaxed after a great summer (we’ll see how long this lasts).

What’s the best thing about your sex life now?

I’m having more sex than I have in the last 6 years.  OK, part of this is due to the fact that we’ve been trying to get pregnant, so there are no annoying condoms to deal with and it’s really revived our motivation.  My husband and I are talking more openly about our sex life and our wants and needs, which is refreshing and liberating.  It also makes me feel closer to him to share these intimate thoughts, so it’s good for our marriage.

How would you compare your sex life before kids with after kids?

Before: fine
After: improving…at the moment GOOD!

Oh, and good lube is key. I really like Please lubricant by Good Vibrations.

What is the most important thing to you about your sexuality?

Hmmm.  Not sure… empowerment? monogamous fulfillment? The knowledge that there are ups and downs in my sex life, just like every other part of my life.  It can always get better.

What does being a sexual mama mean to you?

It means striving for a healthy balance of time, energy, giving and getting in my home life and family relationships. It means sometimes struggling for alone-time with my husband, even when it would be easier not to. This is a lot to achieve for me sometimes, but I’m learning to make this a priority. Now, if I could only get him to call a babysitter and set up a date on his own!

Anything fun or exciting in your sex life you want to share?  (I live vicariously.)

For the first time in my life, I own a vibrator and I LOVE IT!  It’s the best investment I’ve made in ME in awhile.  Whether I use it alone or with my husband, it spices things up.  I highly recommend exploring this option if you haven’t.  Check out the Hitachi Magic Wand Massager.  It is amazing!
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Thank you so much Z for participating in this week’s Friday Five!

Readers, what questions would you like to see in the Friday Five?  Post them as comments and you might see them in next week’s edition.

 Are YOU interested in participating?  Shoot me an email at slofmoms@gmail.com.

And don’t forget to send an email to slofmoms@gmail.com to enter the Sex Lives of Moms Bedroom Chemist Sex Kit Giveaway–you won’t want to miss your chance to get a fabulous, free, sexy kit to spice up your sex life.

Search terms that may have brought you to my blog

As you might imagine, having a blog title with the words mom and sex in it brings many Google searchers who may arrive at my blog expecting something else–of a much more explicit nature.

My apologies if you came here hoping for porn only to find a blog on how feeling sexy after kids can be so hard! (no pun intended–hyuck, hyuck).

About a month ago, over at Nice Girls Like Sex Too, I saw a funny post about the search terms that bring people to her blog. It inspired me to do something similar.

Here are some of them:

The Randoms

Sex in the bed

I’m curious about why the topic of having sex in a bed required information from a Google search. And I am VERY curious about WHERE this person has been having sex all along.

lousy sex after vasectomy

Shucks man, that sucks. Sorry!

orgasm during brazilian wax?

Are you kidding me? Does this happen to anyone?!?

learning to masturbate

Excellent topic to get information on. If however, you are a thirteen year old boy–my apologies if you just found yourself reading my blog on sex for moms, it may have eliminated any desire for masturbation for awhile. But don’t worry, it will return quickly. And the best of luck to you!

should I get a brazilian wax before vasectomy?

Holy shit! Ouch and ouch.

any women have an orgasm during brazilian wax?

Okay, seriously? These must be men doing these searches.

feeling sexy again blog

Oh! I’m so glad this search brought you here.

sex famely

I’m assuming you meant family? Or maybe you meant famously? If so, next time use the search terms: Kim Kardashian sex tape (ooh, I bet just writing her name will give me a big traffic bump!)

pump for the clitoris pictures

I’d like to see these pictures too. Though I’m scared to. Does this exist? Sounds painful.

sex toon

I have no advice on this one. We’re mostly a Dora and Transformers household here.

sex in the ded

Last Dance with Mary Jane?

Mama having great sex

Good for you!

The Is it okay for SAHM to masturbate? searches (Answer, YES!)

do stay at home moms masturbate?

Yes.

do stay at home moms wank more

My favorite! (Mostly because of the awesomeness of the word wank.) And I’m curious about the answer, but I’d venture to say yes? Just because it’s hard to wank at work if your work is at an office outside of your home.

moms who stay at home and masturbate

Welcome to the club.

The Horny Co-Sleeping Parent Searches (Yes, you will someday have sex again)

sex in the family bed

sex family

sex in bed near a child

sexual family bed

“family bed” sex uninhibited

mums sex with others in bed room

sex in bed with sleeping infants

http://www.sex in the family.com

Is it bad to have sex next to my sleeping child?

If they’re babies, no. If they’re older, not as long as you’re damn sure they won’t wake up. The question is: Can you really relax and enjoy sex if you are stressed about this? My advice if your kid is asleep in your bed? Kitchen counters.

General Sex Searches

what do you call great sex?

You just know, my friend.

telling kids about sex orgasm

A good talk to have.

the brazilian wax feminism sensation

What’s the sensation? The wax or the feminism?

Talking to my daughter about masturbation

Again, an excellent conversation to have.

http://www.romanticfeelingsexywatching.com

An interesting mix of terms here that I would search for myself just to see if you are on to something I should know about, but I’m scared of getting a computer virus.

vasectomy bdsm

Never knew about this. Is getting the vasectomy part of the BDSM?

children hearing orgasm

That was probably embarrassing. It happens, move on.

roller derby 90 day challenge

Not sure if getting your mojo back is part of the challenge, but it should be.

all off moms sex

I have no idea what this means but it sounds diiirrrrty.

vacation sex

Yes!

sex rollerderby

Not at my practices.

monogamish rules

Try Dan Savage.

third simester pregnant “high libido”

College co-ed?

mama having great sex

This search is to the point—and good for you!

moms sex vacation

Is there a particular cruise line or resort where this is available?

The Creepy Searches

All I’m going to say about these next search terms, is that the key is in the context. Which I know nothing of. (I just REALLY hope the mother in these searches is the baby mama and not your mama mama.)

sexual desire with mom

sex relationship with mother

destire moms sex

inevitable sex with mom

Touch Yourself: A Stay-At-Home Mom Manifesto

Today’s Challenge:  how many euphemisms for the female orgasm can you find in this post?

When I was a kid, I knew that if I pushed my groin against the counter as I stood at it, helping my mom with dinner, it felt good.  It felt good to push the palm of my hand against that same spot, and to squeeze my legs together and to jolt them from side to side.  I wasn’t really aware of what I was doing, but I knew it felt good and I knew I was embarrassed enough by it to try to hide it.

I talk to women who have been able to make themselves orgasm from the time they were little girls and I am always so impressed–and a tad bit jealous.  I wish I had.  I didn’t start having orgasms until I’d been having sex for some months.  The first few months my partner would look over at me afterwards and ask me, hopefully, if I came.  In the thrall of new love, I would graciously reassure him, “Yeah, I think that might have been it.”  Once I truly had of course, there was no longer any doubt.

I wish I had been brave enough to touch myself more as a kid and adolescent and figure out what worked for me because it might not have taken me as long as it did to figure out that frequent masturbation is something I need regularly, if not daily, in my life; like chocolate, and red wine.

It wasn’t until after I had kids that I learned how to masturbate.  I could have amazing orgasms during sex but it seemed tedious, and time consuming to try to do it to myself, and I had a partner who was always willing to comply when I needed to get my jollies off.  But after my oldest child was born, I suddenly had a few hours during the day when my baby was napping and I decided that being a modern woman, I really should learn how to paddle the pink canoe and enjoy it’s lovely capacity for multiple orgasms.

So I bought myself a new, powerful vibrator and went to town.  I was so self conscious at first; of the electrical ROAR as my machine came to life; of my feeling that somehow everyone I knew knew exactly what I was doing right at that moment, that it felt clumsy and awkward and extremely embarrassing.  But really, what was the worst that could happen?  That my partner would come home unexpectedly and walk in on my illicit Two-Finger Tango?

That never happened.  (And he definitely wouldn’t have minded).  So little by little I became more confident and comfortable tickling the taco.  Now naptime is synonymous with me-time in the most intimate of ways.  All I need are five minutes, over the jeans, quick vibrator action and one-or two-or five orgasms later I’m ready to get on with my day ( rosy cheeks, just one added benefit).  I know moms who can’t go to sleep at night without masturbating.  I know moms who like I did for so long, never masturbate.

It’s become an important part of my self-care.  It keeps me in tune with my body and I feel empowered by the pleasure I can give myself, and I think it’s made me a more confident lover to my partner as well.

Is masturbation a regular part of your life?  Do you feel self-conscious and embarrassed to masturbate, even by yourself?  Are you a late-bloomer like me?  I’d love to hear about what role masturbation has or doesn’t have in your life.

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To end today’s post I thought I’d leave you with an oldie-but-goodie. My favorite Betty White sketch of all time.  The Dusty Muffin NPR interview

I aspire to someday be an eight-nine year old who says, “If there’s one thing I’m known for it’s my muffin.” And, “My muffin hasn’t had a cherry since 1939.”

Other favorite quotes:

“It’s surprisingly salty.”  “It’s incredibly velvety.”

“I don’t talk about it a lot, but I went through a major muffin phase in college.”

A touchy-feely post about masturbation.

I have numerous hopes and aspirations for my daughter.  I gave her a strong name without adjectives like “rainbow” or “blue”–her namesake is a famed feminist writer– and before she was born I practiced writing it down on lined paper to see what it would look like following the words Supreme Court Justice.  I see her tiny fingers and picture three-pointers shot and tree limbs climbed.  But one of my most-hoped-for dreams for her is that she will know how to easily orgasm through dextrous and self-assured masturbation.

We always wish better for our children than what we had ourselves, right?  It extends to masturbation and sexual confidence as well.

I only learned what orgasm was once I was sexually active.  As a child and teen I touched myself, but never was able (or brave enough?) to give myself an orgasm.  Even when I first started having sex, there were a few months of uncertainty:  was that it? (Once that was it, there was no more doubt).

I think that as women we should all dream that our daughters will confidently know how to pleasure themselves and then as a wise mama I know says, “accept nothing else!”  I don’t have similar worries for my son.  I have never known a man who didn’t figure out how to use the prominent shaft at the juncture of his legs.  A penis is easy to find, impossible to ignore, and self-explanatory as far as masturbation goes.

A vagina and all it entails (clitoris, vulva, labia, urethra) requires more mystery to unravel and I hope my daughter will have the tenacity to unselfconsciously figure out what works for her and what doesn’t.

We talk to our kids about waiting for the right person to have sex, how to use protection, but I think we miss an important part:  letting them know that confident self-exploration isn’t just okay–it’s great!  If you know how to get yourself off, you might not be so tempted by the first boy who thinks he can (and probably can’t).

And even more importantly, I want my daughter to grow into a woman who knows what she likes and wants and is unafraid to ask for it.  My wish for her is that she be confident in all aspects of her live, including her sexuality.  And if she scares off more than a few boys or girls in the process, well, even better.